untranslatable

cocaine

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 05:37:55 GMT

Confusion and heartbreak go hand in hand
Partners in causing delusion
Pain is a drug
And I become addicted to unsatisfaction and heartbreak
Addicted to what is not OK
To getting beaten to the ground
To getting screamed at and threatened and put down and stepped on
And it even seems better than love, better than happiness
Its great, its my high, my wonderful numbness
Hurt is my drug and my life and I just cant stop
Im in love with sadness and sorrow
Kick me while im down and bleeding and you’ll be in my heart for eternity
Just hate me and ill be yours forever
Pain has become my honesty, my reality, my vulnerability
My cocaine

Sun, 22 May 2005 06:03:52 GMT

Tears of pain and remorse streaming down her face
“They told me that once that girl was a pretty girl
Before she loved…before she hurt”
She sits here, the same place she sits everyday
Crying out every ounce of emotion she ever felt
Why does she cry, why does she die inside
It's only her fault that her world is turned upside down
It's only her fault that they die inside…that they bleed
Ugly, ugly red eyes stare at the world passing by outside…
Stare at the stars she once wrote about as being the only thing that could love and hold her
She hates them, the stars…
Her wishes that she wished never came true
Fucking stars…only served to spotlight the pain
Shine it…show it to the world
She doesn't believe in wishes anymore
Every birthday candle, every penny only offered false promises
Someday, she says, someday its not going to be like this
Because what she has now is killing her
Every night when he hurts, every night when she hurts for him
Every day while she watches the world pass her by
Wishes she could watch the world in a different way
With permanently closed eyes
She sits and tries to comfort herself
Rocking back and forth, singing a song about love
About peace, and joy
But the voice in the back of her head reminds her that all of those died long ago
The day those ugly, crying eyes first appeared and sucked it all away

me gusta el verano

Tue, 17 May 2005 23:42:36 GMT

hola raquel. hago un viaje a honduras! estoy muy feliz! puedo usar mi espanol!! este conversacion es divertido porque tu no hablas espanol. los franceses no son "super chic"...

i find these pieces every now and then

Tue, 17 May 2005 23:37:27 GMT

it's funny how our voices blend together, as if you would ever know the difference of one, two kids when you never even wanted yourself
and i find my heart breaking for her because she loves you and she knows what it is to smile at every little thing you do, and i cry inside when my heart blurs into hers knowing full well that the end has become more beautiful than the pain
and i cry because she knows and you do not

this is how i want it, i am still free to roll around in the grass eating dandelions loving the sky without your face
and i cry still because it's almost as if i know where the soft spot below her ribs lies, almost as if i have poked my head in too far, loving too much, awkwardly turning, running away

Sun, 01 May 2005 22:02:55 GMT

we are the drops of grey in a world of blinding color
seeking to capture humanity in our grasp of unemotion
come along take the hand of a stranger
let them lead you in to the depths of their soul
they will show you your life in the reflection of a dagger
our lonliness only to be resolved by the slits in our existance
filled with the blood of our enemies..ourselves

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 00:28:26 GMT

when i said i could not pick up your
knife, i never imagined you were
strong enough to take it for me,
because of me
and now i do not know where your
cold body lays in absolute silence,
eyes wide open, horrified, hurt, frozen
as a deer
but your eyes are not brown, instead
your red orbs flicker around to watch
your red life outside of your control,
out of anybody's control
your voice
your head in your hands
again my touch, my love did nothing
am I not enough, too flawed
the monster I let loose is devouring me,
your rotting flesh still on its breath
everyone's fate becomes the same but
I am the catalyst taking your holy life,
giving you some, taking even more and
at the end of the day you are the only
one to hold your pain.
it makes me sick to think that in the
end no human friend, companion
is eternal
everything i touch falls apart
my colors are not enough
my music, my voice
my words
my life
there is no part of me that is enough
and as this day stands for equality
I too stand
alone
because you are out there hurting
and I am here, your killer,
I could not save you
I could not free you
and again
I could not prove my love
again
I gave someone reason
again
I gave them doubt

dito

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 01:10:44 GMT

hey rachel
i just commented on this on your xanga site! and for a second time i will tell you how amazing you are and that i love you. i swear we are digging our box up this summer. and yes...things have changed so much... i dont really know what to say on this because what more can i say other than we all now know pain
we should keep posting here
=)

this fell apart

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 04:18:48 GMT

the writing we once planned to do together
the box we buried at the beginning of summer
the fragrant air and daydreams of sweet days
dwindled in to the nothingness that i have to talk about
the nothingness that creates the gaping holes in my soul
and screams in my ears
like the earsplitting cry of one when they encounter death
and its cold meaningless end
so much has happened since that summmer
that summer when everything seemed so right
but things fall apart
friends realize reality
people go numb and
and the idea of self extinction becomes more vivid..as it did with within our peers
relationships end
emotions fade and in some cases become so overflowing that there really is no way
no way to conquer them
we ourselves become conquered people
we grow..we learn that its not all about the dirt
between our toes but the tarnish
that our lives or at least mine has taken on
will this cycle ever end
of self mutilation and creation
will we experience the summer again..the summer where dreams wait for us
in the budding flowers and shining sun
in the clouds and the smiles
or is this what we will live with forever
the drops of grey in our old world of blinding color
the damper on our beautiful innocence
why do the days come when the world is a place
that one only wants to witness with permenently closed eyes
i miss the days of not knowing
the days when peace was in our hearts
but all things end...good things anyway
goodbye..to that summer when we were happy when the sun came up in the again
even though it was only a short while ago
life with carefree love and no worry of destruction has come to an unkindly end
through the tip of razor dragged against the once clean skin of a newborn

-betsy we have totally forgotten our promises to write a lot..but its ok i decided to write some more..if you want to or not. i cant believe things have changed so much since last summer but they have. love you. -rachel

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 03:55:56 GMT

actually lindsey probably wasn't there
nvm!

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 03:55:19 GMT

jazz? ooh like saxaphone jazz!! yay i'm so excited but afraid my dad will say no and oh well. strangely enough you sounded a bit like lindsey what with the kidos and everything and actually i wouldn't be surprised if lindsey influenced that since she was at your house. yes. run-on sentences are lovely. except that wasn't a run-on sentence was it? or maybe it was... run on running on run on

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 04:48:49 GMT

woo hoo im so proud that i finally said something...so betsy how ya doin? how are the kids? and all that jazz

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 02:55:48 GMT

yay!!
go rachel go rachel
weeeeeeeee

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 02:53:50 GMT

hah ok i finally came..even though im still cleaning (thanks for ruinin my groove by the way) you told me you would come slap me if i didnt update. wow this is pretty exciting and ok have fun walking that dawg ya lol hehe

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 02:52:11 GMT

hey this is rachel

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 23:43:50 GMT

hi okay i'm still here
obviously
and you're cleaning
i really need to do that
and so you told me to keep updating
la de da
hey have you ever read, um let's see... well... oh! how about Plato's allegory of the cave
it's pretty fantastic, if you don't mind being a bit wordy, but anywho its pretty much the concept of everything around us being made up by someone else, or something to that effect, actually i'll give you the link http://www.plotinus.com/plato_allegory_of_the_cave.htm
or maybe thats not a link but nonetheless its an address
hey i need to walk the dog
adios amiga or
bye!
haha
i make myself laugh, is that a sign of narcicism?

attempt at conversation

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 23:38:53 GMT

hi rachel!
um well now i don't really have anything to say except i don't like people talking in code- ambiguity i think is the word,or maybe its ambiguously. i think im too trusting sometimes

i'm still here

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 03:55:05 GMT

ringing with your bitter laughter.....
shut up

multitude (by Betsy not Rachel and Rachel hasn't updated yet)

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 22:34:55 GMT

you sit there chewing, chewing
away on a saturated piece of
old gum, the juice rolling around.
you look like a cow; you gnaw away
as if without it you are nothing
and all the answers to being accepted
are locked up inside, you have bet your
life on this gum rolling in your crooked teeth.
it's left you twitching and sharp; you make me
sick. i am left repulsed by you because i see in
you a twisted baby that was once pure and
now all that's left is broken metal. i really
want to see the day you hit the ground and
bleed, even though you've probably
already bled more than me. i want to see you
wake up and catch a clue; i really want to see you
brought down, but i hate this, i hate this
because you are never going to know
what hit you. you are dying, dead; extinct
broken baby, and i hate this because there
are so many of you and i see me inside
and most of all i hate wishing this life
upon you

the monster under the bed

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 03:54:00 GMT

i wish i could wake up one day and pick out of the closet who i really am
someone new maybe
everyday picking something new
and then maybe i would realize that day is night and i would finally pick the right one