urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable untranslatable untranslatable 2005-09-25T05:37:55Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:5159 2005-09-25T05:37:55Z 2005-09-25T05:37:55Z Confusion and heartbreak go hand in hand<br />Partners in causing delusion<br />Pain is a drug<br />And I become addicted to unsatisfaction and heartbreak<br />Addicted to what is not OK<br />To getting beaten to the ground<br />To getting screamed at and threatened and put down and stepped on<br />And it even seems better than love, better than happiness<br />Its great, its my high, my wonderful numbness<br />Hurt is my drug and my life and I just cant stop<br />Im in love with sadness and sorrow<br />Kick me while im down and bleeding and you’ll be in my heart for eternity<br />Just hate me and ill be yours forever<br />Pain has become my honesty, my reality, my vulnerability<br />My cocaine urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:4932 2005-05-22T06:03:52Z 2005-05-22T06:03:52Z Tears of pain and remorse streaming down her face<br />“They told me that once that girl was a pretty girl <br />Before she loved…before she hurt”<br />She sits here, the same place she sits everyday<br />Crying out every ounce of emotion she ever felt<br />Why does she cry, why does she die inside <br />It's only her fault that her world is turned upside down<br />It's only her fault that they die inside…that they bleed<br />Ugly, ugly red eyes stare at the world passing by outside…<br />Stare at the stars she once wrote about as being the only thing that could love and hold her<br />She hates them, the stars…<br />Her wishes that she wished never came true<br />Fucking stars…only served to spotlight the pain<br />Shine it…show it to the world<br />She doesn't believe in wishes anymore <br />Every birthday candle, every penny only offered false promises<br />Someday, she says, someday its not going to be like this<br />Because what she has now is killing her<br />Every night when he hurts, every night when she hurts for him<br />Every day while she watches the world pass her by<br />Wishes she could watch the world in a different way<br />With permanently closed eyes<br />She sits and tries to comfort herself<br />Rocking back and forth, singing a song about love<br />About peace, and joy<br />But the voice in the back of her head reminds her that all of those died long ago<br />The day those ugly, crying eyes first appeared and sucked it all away urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:4615 2005-05-17T23:42:36Z 2005-05-17T23:42:36Z hola raquel. hago un viaje a honduras! estoy muy feliz! puedo usar mi espanol!! este conversacion es divertido porque tu no hablas espanol. los franceses no son "super chic"... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:4530 2005-05-17T23:37:27Z 2005-05-17T23:37:27Z it's funny how our voices blend together, as if you would ever know the difference of one, two kids when you never even wanted yourself<br />and i find my heart breaking for her because she loves you and she knows what it is to smile at every little thing you do, and i cry inside when my heart blurs into hers knowing full well that the end has become more beautiful than the pain<br />and i cry because she knows and you do not<br /><br />this is how i want it, i am still free to roll around in the grass eating dandelions loving the sky without your face<br />and i cry still because it's almost as if i know where the soft spot below her ribs lies, almost as if i have poked my head in too far, loving too much, awkwardly turning, running away urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:4233 2005-05-01T22:02:55Z 2005-05-01T22:03:35Z we are the drops of grey in a world of blinding color<br />seeking to capture humanity in our grasp of unemotion<br />come along take the hand of a stranger<br />let them lead you in to the depths of their soul<br />they will show you your life in the reflection of a dagger<br />our lonliness only to be resolved by the slits in our existance<br />filled with the blood of our enemies..ourselves urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:4025 2005-03-04T00:28:26Z 2005-03-04T00:28:26Z when i said i could not pick up your<br />knife, i never imagined you were<br />strong enough to take it for me,<br />because of me<br />and now i do not know where your<br />cold body lays in absolute silence,<br />eyes wide open, horrified, hurt, frozen<br />as a deer<br />but your eyes are not brown, instead<br />your red orbs flicker around to watch<br />your red life outside of your control,<br />out of anybody's control<br />your voice<br />your head in your hands<br />again my touch, my love did nothing<br />am I not enough, too flawed<br />the monster I let loose is devouring me,<br />your rotting flesh still on its breath<br />everyone's fate becomes the same but<br />I am the catalyst taking your holy life,<br />giving you some, taking even more and<br />at the end of the day you are the only <br />one to hold your pain.<br />it makes me sick to think that in the<br />end no human friend, companion<br />is eternal<br />everything i touch falls apart<br />my colors are not enough<br />my music, my voice<br />my words<br />my life<br />there is no part of me that is enough<br />and as this day stands for equality<br />I too stand<br />alone<br />because you are out there hurting<br />and I am here, your killer,<br />I could not save you<br />I could not free you<br />and again<br />I could not prove my love<br />again<br />I gave someone reason<br />again <br />I gave them doubt urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:3504 2005-02-25T01:10:44Z 2005-02-25T01:10:44Z hey rachel<br />i just commented on this on your xanga site! and for a second time i will tell you how amazing you are and that i love you. i swear we are digging our box up this summer. and yes...things have changed so much... i dont really know what to say on this because what more can i say other than we all now know pain<br />we should keep posting here<br />=) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:3324 2005-02-23T04:18:48Z 2005-02-23T04:18:48Z the writing we once planned to do together<br />the box we buried at the beginning of summer<br />the fragrant air and daydreams of sweet days<br />dwindled in to the nothingness that i have to talk about<br />the nothingness that creates the gaping holes in my soul<br />and screams in my ears<br />like the earsplitting cry of one when they encounter death<br />and its cold meaningless end<br />so much has happened since that summmer<br />that summer when everything seemed so right<br />but things fall apart<br />friends realize reality<br />people go numb and<br />and the idea of self extinction becomes more vivid..as it did with within our peers<br />relationships end<br />emotions fade and in some cases become so overflowing that there really is no way<br />no way to conquer them<br />we ourselves become conquered people<br />we grow..we learn that its not all about the dirt<br />between our toes but the tarnish<br />that our lives or at least mine has taken on<br />will this cycle ever end<br />of self mutilation and creation<br />will we experience the summer again..the summer where dreams wait for us<br />in the budding flowers and shining sun<br />in the clouds and the smiles<br />or is this what we will live with forever<br />the drops of grey in our old world of blinding color<br />the damper on our beautiful innocence<br />why do the days come when the world is a place <br />that one only wants to witness with permenently closed eyes<br />i miss the days of not knowing<br />the days when peace was in our hearts<br />but all things end...good things anyway<br />goodbye..to that summer when we were happy when the sun came up in the again<br />even though it was only a short while ago<br />life with carefree love and no worry of destruction has come to an unkindly end<br />through the tip of razor dragged against the once clean skin of a newborn<br /><br />-betsy we have totally forgotten our promises to write a lot..but its ok i decided to write some more..if you want to or not. i cant believe things have changed so much since last summer but they have. love you. -rachel urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:2974 2004-06-05T03:55:56Z 2004-06-05T03:55:56Z actually lindsey probably wasn't there<br />nvm! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:2604 2004-06-05T03:55:19Z 2004-06-05T03:55:19Z jazz? ooh like saxaphone jazz!! yay i'm so excited but afraid my dad will say no and oh well. strangely enough you sounded a bit like lindsey what with the kidos and everything and actually i wouldn't be surprised if lindsey influenced that since she was at your house. yes. run-on sentences are lovely. except that wasn't a run-on sentence was it? or maybe it was... run on running on run on urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:2525 2004-06-02T04:48:49Z 2004-06-02T04:48:49Z woo hoo im so proud that i finally said something...so betsy how ya doin? how are the kids? and all that jazz urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:2235 2004-06-02T02:55:48Z 2004-06-02T02:55:48Z yay!!<br />go rachel go rachel<br />weeeeeeeee urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:1947 2004-06-02T02:53:50Z 2004-06-02T02:53:50Z hah ok i finally came..even though im still cleaning (thanks for ruinin my groove by the way) you told me you would come slap me if i didnt update. wow this is pretty exciting and ok have fun walking that dawg ya lol hehe urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:1783 2004-06-02T02:52:11Z 2004-06-02T02:52:11Z hey this is rachel urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:1458 2004-06-01T23:43:50Z 2004-06-01T23:43:50Z hi okay i'm still here<br />obviously<br />and you're cleaning<br />i really need to do that<br />and so you told me to keep updating<br /> la de da<br />hey have you ever read, um let's see... well... oh! how about Plato's allegory of the cave<br />it's pretty fantastic, if you don't mind being a bit wordy, but anywho its pretty much the concept of everything around us being made up by someone else, or something to that effect, actually i'll give you the link <a href="http://www.plotinus.com/plato_allegory_of_the_cave.htm">http://www.plotinus.com/plato_allegory_of_the_cave.htm</a><br />or maybe thats not a link but nonetheless its an address<br />hey i need to walk the dog<br />adios amiga or<br />bye!<br />haha<br />i make myself laugh, is that a sign of narcicism? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:1220 2004-06-01T23:38:53Z 2004-06-01T23:38:53Z hi rachel!<br />um well now i don't really have anything to say except i don't like people talking in code- ambiguity i think is the word,or maybe its ambiguously. i think im too trusting sometimes urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:958 2004-04-29T03:55:05Z 2004-04-29T03:55:05Z ringing with your bitter laughter.....<br />shut up urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:725 2004-04-23T22:34:55Z 2004-04-23T22:34:55Z you sit there chewing, chewing<br />away on a saturated piece of <br />old gum, the juice rolling around.<br />you look like a cow; you gnaw away <br />as if without it you are nothing<br />and all the answers to being accepted<br />are locked up inside, you have bet your <br />life on this gum rolling in your crooked teeth.<br />it's left you twitching and sharp; you make me <br />sick. i am left repulsed by you because i see in<br />you a twisted baby that was once pure and <br />now all that's left is broken metal. i really<br />want to see the day you hit the ground and<br />bleed, even though you've probably<br />already bled more than me. i want to see you <br />wake up and catch a clue; i really want to see you<br />brought down, but i hate this, i hate this <br />because you are never going to know<br />what hit you. you are dying, dead; extinct<br />broken baby, and i hate this because there<br />are so many of you and i see me inside<br />and most of all i hate wishing this life<br />upon you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:untranslatable:313 2004-04-23T03:54:00Z 2004-04-23T03:54:00Z i wish i could wake up one day and pick out of the closet who i really am<br />someone new maybe<br />everyday picking something new<br />and then maybe i would realize that day is night and i would finally pick the right one