cocaine [24 Sep 2005|11:38pm] Confusion and heartbreak go hand in hand Partners in causing delusion Pain is a drug And I become addicted to unsatisfaction and heartbreak Addicted to what is not OK To getting beaten to the ground To getting screamed at and threatened and put down and stepped on And it even seems better than love, better than happiness Its great, its my high, my wonderful numbness Hurt is my drug and my life and I just cant stop Im in love with sadness and sorrow Kick me while im down and bleeding and you’ll be in my heart for eternity Just hate me and ill be yours forever Pain has become my honesty, my reality, my vulnerability My cocaine 2 comments|post comment

[22 May 2005|12:05am] Tears of pain and remorse streaming down her face “They told me that once that girl was a pretty girl Before she loved…before she hurt” She sits here, the same place she sits everyday Crying out every ounce of emotion she ever felt Why does she cry, why does she die inside It's only her fault that her world is turned upside down It's only her fault that they die inside…that they bleed Ugly, ugly red eyes stare at the world passing by outside… Stare at the stars she once wrote about as being the only thing that could love and hold her She hates them, the stars… Her wishes that she wished never came true Fucking stars…only served to spotlight the pain Shine it…show it to the world She doesn't believe in wishes anymore Every birthday candle, every penny only offered false promises Someday, she says, someday its not going to be like this Because what she has now is killing her Every night when he hurts, every night when she hurts for him Every day while she watches the world pass her by Wishes she could watch the world in a different way With permanently closed eyes She sits and tries to comfort herself Rocking back and forth, singing a song about love About peace, and joy But the voice in the back of her head reminds her that all of those died long ago The day those ugly, crying eyes first appeared and sucked it all away post comment

me gusta el verano [17 May 2005|05:40pm] hola raquel. hago un viaje a honduras! estoy muy feliz! puedo usar mi espanol!! este conversacion es divertido porque tu no hablas espanol. los franceses no son "super chic"... post comment

i find these pieces every now and then [17 May 2005|05:25pm] [ mood | full ] it's funny how our voices blend together, as if you would ever know the difference of one, two kids when you never even wanted yourself and i find my heart breaking for her because she loves you and she knows what it is to smile at every little thing you do, and i cry inside when my heart blurs into hers knowing full well that the end has become more beautiful than the pain and i cry because she knows and you do not this is how i want it, i am still free to roll around in the grass eating dandelions loving the sky without your face and i cry still because it's almost as if i know where the soft spot below her ribs lies, almost as if i have poked my head in too far, loving too much, awkwardly turning, running away post comment

[01 May 2005|04:03pm] we are the drops of grey in a world of blinding color seeking to capture humanity in our grasp of unemotion come along take the hand of a stranger let them lead you in to the depths of their soul they will show you your life in the reflection of a dagger our lonliness only to be resolved by the slits in our existance filled with the blood of our enemies..ourselves post comment

[03 Mar 2005|05:24pm] when i said i could not pick up your knife, i never imagined you were strong enough to take it for me, because of me and now i do not know where your cold body lays in absolute silence, eyes wide open, horrified, hurt, frozen as a deer but your eyes are not brown, instead your red orbs flicker around to watch your red life outside of your control, out of anybody's control your voice your head in your hands again my touch, my love did nothing am I not enough, too flawed the monster I let loose is devouring me, your rotting flesh still on its breath everyone's fate becomes the same but I am the catalyst taking your holy life, giving you some, taking even more and at the end of the day you are the only one to hold your pain. it makes me sick to think that in the end no human friend, companion is eternal everything i touch falls apart my colors are not enough my music, my voice my words my life there is no part of me that is enough and as this day stands for equality I too stand alone because you are out there hurting and I am here, your killer, I could not save you I could not free you and again I could not prove my love again I gave someone reason again I gave them doubt post comment

dito [24 Feb 2005|06:09pm] hey rachel i just commented on this on your xanga site! and for a second time i will tell you how amazing you are and that i love you. i swear we are digging our box up this summer. and yes...things have changed so much... i dont really know what to say on this because what more can i say other than we all now know pain we should keep posting here =) post comment

this fell apart [22 Feb 2005|08:59pm] the writing we once planned to do together the box we buried at the beginning of summer the fragrant air and daydreams of sweet days dwindled in to the nothingness that i have to talk about the nothingness that creates the gaping holes in my soul and screams in my ears like the earsplitting cry of one when they encounter death and its cold meaningless end so much has happened since that summmer that summer when everything seemed so right but things fall apart friends realize reality people go numb and and the idea of self extinction becomes more vivid..as it did with within our peers relationships end emotions fade and in some cases become so overflowing that there really is no way no way to conquer them we ourselves become conquered people we grow..we learn that its not all about the dirt between our toes but the tarnish that our lives or at least mine has taken on will this cycle ever end of self mutilation and creation will we experience the summer again..the summer where dreams wait for us in the budding flowers and shining sun in the clouds and the smiles or is this what we will live with forever the drops of grey in our old world of blinding color the damper on our beautiful innocence why do the days come when the world is a place that one only wants to witness with permenently closed eyes i miss the days of not knowing the days when peace was in our hearts but all things end...good things anyway goodbye..to that summer when we were happy when the sun came up in the again even though it was only a short while ago life with carefree love and no worry of destruction has come to an unkindly end through the tip of razor dragged against the once clean skin of a newborn -betsy we have totally forgotten our promises to write a lot..but its ok i decided to write some more..if you want to or not. i cant believe things have changed so much since last summer but they have. love you. -rachel post comment

[04 Jun 2004|09:57pm] actually lindsey probably wasn't there nvm! post comment

[04 Jun 2004|09:53pm] jazz? ooh like saxaphone jazz!! yay i'm so excited but afraid my dad will say no and oh well. strangely enough you sounded a bit like lindsey what with the kidos and everything and actually i wouldn't be surprised if lindsey influenced that since she was at your house. yes. run-on sentences are lovely. except that wasn't a run-on sentence was it? or maybe it was... run on running on run on post comment

[01 Jun 2004|10:52pm] woo hoo im so proud that i finally said something...so betsy how ya doin? how are the kids? and all that jazz post comment

[01 Jun 2004|08:57pm] yay!! go rachel go rachel weeeeeeeee post comment

[01 Jun 2004|08:57pm] hah ok i finally came..even though im still cleaning (thanks for ruinin my groove by the way) you told me you would come slap me if i didnt update. wow this is pretty exciting and ok have fun walking that dawg ya lol hehe post comment

[01 Jun 2004|08:56pm] hey this is rachel post comment

[01 Jun 2004|05:41pm] hi okay i'm still here obviously and you're cleaning i really need to do that and so you told me to keep updating la de da hey have you ever read, um let's see... well... oh! how about Plato's allegory of the cave it's pretty fantastic, if you don't mind being a bit wordy, but anywho its pretty much the concept of everything around us being made up by someone else, or something to that effect, actually i'll give you the link http://www.plotinus.com/plato_allegory_of_the_cave.htm or maybe thats not a link but nonetheless its an address hey i need to walk the dog adios amiga or bye! haha i make myself laugh, is that a sign of narcicism? post comment

attempt at conversation [01 Jun 2004|05:36pm] [ mood | chipper ] hi rachel! um well now i don't really have anything to say except i don't like people talking in code- ambiguity i think is the word,or maybe its ambiguously. i think im too trusting sometimes post comment

i'm still here [28 Apr 2004|09:46pm] [ mood | bitchy ] ringing with your bitter laughter..... shut up post comment

multitude (by Betsy not Rachel and Rachel hasn't updated yet) [23 Apr 2004|04:35pm] you sit there chewing, chewing away on a saturated piece of old gum, the juice rolling around. you look like a cow; you gnaw away as if without it you are nothing and all the answers to being accepted are locked up inside, you have bet your life on this gum rolling in your crooked teeth. it's left you twitching and sharp; you make me sick. i am left repulsed by you because i see in you a twisted baby that was once pure and now all that's left is broken metal. i really want to see the day you hit the ground and bleed, even though you've probably already bled more than me. i want to see you wake up and catch a clue; i really want to see you brought down, but i hate this, i hate this because you are never going to know what hit you. you are dying, dead; extinct broken baby, and i hate this because there are so many of you and i see me inside and most of all i hate wishing this life upon you post comment

the monster under the bed [22 Apr 2004|09:51pm] i wish i could wake up one day and pick out of the closet who i really am someone new maybe everyday picking something new and then maybe i would realize that day is night and i would finally pick the right one post comment

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